Misfortune Comedian Pillows

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'Someone come and mediate our argument about mediation!'

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

A Not So Grand Slam.

"This next one's a sad little number I call, 'I left my guitar on the F train.'"

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

'Don't you hate people who blatantly use office parties to network?'

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man. He will play forward on the pro-basketball team you've just bought!'

Whale Pattern Balding

Dyslexic Palm Reading

Cotton candy

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

"I didn't see anything! I swear!"

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

"And do you get a shooting pain between your eyes?"

'Number of days since last accident' a man is falling off of ladder while trying to post numbers...

"Well done!"

'Look on the bright side -- we could still be in the MARKET.'

Whale Pattern Balding,

"Surprising me- that's your life's work."

'-and the look on his face when you overtook him in the Car Wash!'

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

Mobile library.

"I'm sure you two will discover that you're both plagued by the same nonexistent problems."

'Sylvia? It's Allen. Listen, I accidentally left the shop with a knee ligament kit...Yeah, yeah, I know. I am an idiot. Anyway, could you send someone out pronto with the kit for rotator cuffs?'

Doctor talks to face that is halfway down man's body: 'I'm afraid the face transplant has not quite taken.'

Speed laws enforced by gawkers at accidents.

'Misfortune Cookies: A piano will fall on your motorcycle in the near future.'

"Now it's broken."