Lighthearted Misfortune Lover Pillows

Freak Accident Specialist

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

Playing pig

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

Accident-Prone Support Group.

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

'You will be appointed principal of a school and you will resist change for your entire career,'

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

Dyslexic Palm Reading

"Sorry I'm late: I was hitching a ride but when the driver noticed me, he panicked and we had an accident..."

"This guy has no idea what he's doing."

"Call the inspector and tell him to cancel today, that something has come up."

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

'Next time make sure it's the bath plug before you pull it out.'

She's a little too friendly.

Insurance claim on Grandma

'Let me put it this way...don't start watching any miniseries on TV.'

"Dinner's almost ready, you better not have eaten anything on the way home!"

"Ted! It's fallen down! Ted!"

Mind lost by a mother.

Great gift ideas for the older man.

"Call me!"

"So what brings you to this godforsaken end of the bar?"

Campanology wasn't really Gregory's thing!

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

"Whoopsie! I accidentally speed dialed the stripper cops instead of the real cops."

"Another year and another inch for your belt buckle."

"Can you call my wife and tell her how fast I was going that fast? She'll never believe me."

'I'm the alpha angel.'

'That shark took Bob right out of the boat! Now I'll never get the $50 he owes me.'

A hunter shoots what he thinks is a bird, but turns out to be a big 'm'.

'I told you not to argue with the ref, Dewey.'

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous