Lighthearted Misfortune Lover Pillows

"The eggnog fountain is a bad idea."

"OK, well, if you do hear anything, be sure to give us a call."

Death Photobombs a Holiday

'Smile and say: tofu-based dairy substitute.'

Old Golfers never die...only those who get in their buggies way!

'You will be appointed principal of a school and you will resist change for your entire career,'

"Can we role-play a couple who are too tired to have sex?"

"This guy has no idea what he's doing."

Dyslexic Palm Reading

"Sorry I'm late: I was hitching a ride but when the driver noticed me, he panicked and we had an accident..."

"Call the inspector and tell him to cancel today, that something has come up."

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

She's a little too friendly.

'Next time make sure it's the bath plug before you pull it out.'

Insurance claim on Grandma

'Let me put it this way...don't start watching any miniseries on TV.'

"Ted! It's fallen down! Ted!"

"Call me!"

Great gift ideas for the older man.

"Dinner's almost ready, you better not have eaten anything on the way home!"

Campanology wasn't really Gregory's thing!

"Can you call my wife and tell her how fast I was going that fast? She'll never believe me."

"Whoopsie! I accidentally speed dialed the stripper cops instead of the real cops."

'That shark took Bob right out of the boat! Now I'll never get the $50 he owes me.'

'I'm the alpha angel.'

'I told you not to argue with the ref, Dewey.'

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

A hunter shoots what he thinks is a bird, but turns out to be a big 'm'.

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous

I'll just check whats going to happen with the traffic, before we head home darling.