Those Who Laugh At Misfortune Gifts

Accident-Prone Support Group.

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

Looks like another profit's warning

Lilly was too far from the phone to complain about her new stairlift.

'Well sure, YOU'VE got brakes on FOUR wheels!'

I don't understand why I need a referral from my primary-care doctor to see a specialist I've already seen, who told me himself to come back for a follow-up visit. That's just the way it works. You'll also need a referral from your tailor before we can put you in a hospital gown.

IRS. That was a rough audit. They disallowed all of my deductions! You can't claim all these people as dependents ... The business expenses are not correct ... and the charitable contributions don't meet guidelines. You're shredding my return with that?! Wow! Ut was The Taxes Chainsaw Massacre!

'Stop complaining. We can't afford business class any more.'

Dyslexic Palm Reading

Freak Accident Specialist

'Ere Bert, what do I do with a lady who wants an each way bet on the boat race?'

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man. He will play forward on the pro-basketball team you've just bought!'

Shoveling Snow

'I'll have to reschedule your appointment -- the doctor had an attack of squeamishness.'

"Thank goodness! I thought that day would never end!"

'Your extensive anxiety condition was brought about by worrying about a national health plan.'

'You know how they say, no matter how bad you got it, there's always someone worse off? Well I'm that someone.'

At first she didn't want to live if it meant being attached to tubes. But before you knew it, they were getting along just fine.

'Bill got sacked, sleeps on a park bend and eats dog food. He's the most motivational speaker we've ever had.'

"So you turned off the power, huh?"

'Carol, get your protective headphones on'

'I don't want to catch whatever the heck you've got.'

Truck collision due to incompetence

'What a lousy day! The computer, the car, and my stock portfolio all crashed.'

'Then again, it probably wasn't that bad. I do tend to exaggerate.'

Walter from Gamblers Anonymous

'Misfortune Cookies: A piano will fall on your motorcycle in the near future.'

"Are you sure this is what the man who attacked you looked like?"

'Not only did life pass me by, it HIP-CHECKED me!'

"The most painful thing about the breakup was the tattoo removal."

'I hope you haven't been picking at it.'

New Graduate: Entering real life.

'Was that you who screamed?' - 'No, the dentist.'

REcalculating...

Plumbers. I said Ernie is a perfectionist, not a competent perfectionist!