Fortune-seeking Humor Gifts

'You will meet a tall, dark and handsome man. He will play forward on the pro-basketball team you've just bought!'

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

'Whoooa,MAN,check out this STORM! It's PELTING down!'

"Why yes, there was an extra five thousand dollars in my pay check last week...er...I thought it was a raise."

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"Oh I have plenty of sex appeal. It's all here in my bank baalance."

The loving, yet vengeful God of Cheshire!

"The company only made a profit of $2 billion. So that raise you requested will have to wait."

Accident-Prone Support Group.

Arabic Thief Salad - lashings of whipped cream...

"It doesn't work on geese."

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

'I had a rough year in the market. I can't attract gold diggers anymore. The best I can hope for is a silver digger.'

"I never realized trying to have a baby would mean replacing the soft music and candlelight with an ovulation strip, a thermometer, and a starter pistol."

Visit to the Bank Manager, "Marrying my daughter isn't the sort of security I had in mind, Harry!"

Dyslexic Palm Reading

Jerry, times are tough. I'll take your iou for $75 only if it's written on a $100 bill.

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

"Tell me this is just your mid-life crisis."

Antiques roadshow: 'Yes it's definitely Silver'

'If your guru business is slow, do what I did. Get a professional website presence on the Internet. That's how you found me, right?'

'Since stocks are so wacko now,I'm advising clients to go with their lucky numbers on lotto tickets.'

"You can't lend me the £100 I asked for, only £70? Don't worry, you can own me the rest."

"Did you do all of this for me?"

"I'm sorry, Mr Weinstock can't see you at the moment - he's on the run."

"It's all very well being healed, but that mobility scooter cost a fortune."

O'Leary's Monuments

Axel, as long as you're going to the kitchen, would you get me a beer? I'm sorry, Lance, but the comic strip code forbids teen wolverines from handling beer

You've probably heard of "White Coat Syndrome," the phenomenon in which patients exhibit a high blood pressure level in a clinical setting, even though they don't in other settings. Well, you won't get away with that here.

Acme Firework Company

'Today, a downturn in 'social conscience' stocks on news that 'nice guys finish last'.'

"Here's the sick squid I owe you. . ."

'If God is your co-pilot, let him drive!'

"We are here to remove a blockage in your bank account."