Fortune Jokester Pillows

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Guy at drink stand says to Medium: 'Medium?'

"Exercise ball? No thanks, I'm growing my own."

"Don't tell me we're eating Paleo again."

Virtual Doctor

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'I've only come to get my nail back.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

"I tried the C25k but prefer the 5k2C"

"Your therapy will be a combination of drugs and clowns."

Student to math teacher: 'My dog ate my homework and got arithmetics.'

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

Men dancing

"This is our most practical model. It comes with a 21-year warranty."

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

"Your toilet water over ice, sir. And how is the homework?"

'What, not even a kiss first?'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

'Then, to stop the spread, they burned the village and sent me home.'

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

"The good news is that you will have a healthy baby girl. The bad news is that she is a congenital liar."

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

Peniteniary for the terminally silly.

Why dogs are not hired to do bone scans

'You call it a beer belly, I prefer to think of it as a lump sum settlement of liquid assets.'

Clerk: 'Boy that Delivery guy sure has a THICK accent!'