Gambling Jokester Pillows

'I had a bad day at the bookies-and you?'

'Just a word of advice ... He's a Saints' fan.'

'Oh yeah, your dad might be on 4-1 in this afternoon's race, but mine is on 3-1!'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"You are aware that’s a golf ball?"

Doctor about spinning plates on patient: 'I'm concerned about his platelets.'

'But sinister gales - with that armour?'

Putt-putt. Drive-Drive. (Two minature golf courses. Golfer at first hits putt. Golfer at second is hit in head by golfball that has been hit as a drive.)

"We can't just pluck figures out of the air any more. . . We use a bucket."

Cleaning the Horse

I was more a financial magician myself. I could make money disappear very easily.

Shirts vs Skins: 'I don't know about this.'

'If you cut back on children, at least try to eat them before they nibble on your house.'

"Tag! Your salary's frozen."

"Bobby, you may have worked for a circus but that's not an excuse for playing with your food!"

"We need someone who's responsible."

"You remind me very much of myself when I was your age, Carter, and there is no way that this company would employ such a person."

"I'm afraid we don't offer student loans to elementary school pupils."

'The cat does like having something to scratch.'

'Someday, you'll be a big star!'

'What's this?' - 'Your sealed orders, not to be opened till 7 furlongs.'

'When I'm in the saddle I'm part of the horse.' - 'Yes, but which part?'

'Let me clarify something, Simpkins. . . I didn't say you were going to Mexico. . . I said your job is going to Mexico.'

'Here's a twenty. Go nuts.'

Jurassic Par.

'Vodka!'

'There I was, balanced on the wire, juggling balls like crazy when this yo-yo in the crowd hits me in the eye with a peanut.'

'...that isn't clever and it isn't funny!'

'Finally, some help around the house!'

Economists explain the National Debt: 'Don't Worry! Be Happy!'

'Dinna play golf in your kilt.'

"I thought we said no presents!"

'Choose rich parents.'

'We may have done better if the jockey had carried the horse round!'

'I'm not sure, but I think illegal gambling is when you WIN.'