Medicine Jokester Pillows

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

Virtual Doctor

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

Hypochondria Hospital

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

"Fortunately, we have an excellent selection!"

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

Why dogs are not hired to do bone scans

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.

I like a lot of witnesses around.

'You'd better stick with blurry eyes, anxiety attacks and hallucinations, because he drug prescription, I'd give,shows even greater side effects!'