Health Care Jokester Pillows

"Why can't we have a proper stairlift?"

'It monitors your life signs -- we call it the 'grim beeper.''

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

Virtual Doctor

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

'Take one of these three times a day until you start to feel better.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'The food here isn't too bad, just try not to swallow !'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

NHS/Private Eye Care.

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

"I suppose it was bound to come to this."