Health Care Jokester Pillows

"Why can't we have a proper stairlift?"

'It monitors your life signs -- we call it the 'grim beeper.''

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"If you don't want stitches, that's fine. Suture self."

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Providing Healthcare For All

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

Virtual Doctor

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'I think it's damn unprofessional for a dermatologist to scream 'Yikes' like that.'

'We'll need to run some preliminary tests to see if you're healthy enough for more invasive follow-up tests.'

'Nurse, I said x-ray, not microwave.'

'As you know, medical costs have skyrocketed -- that'll be fifty cents.'

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'The doctors say I have a rare illness that turns people into birds - it's untweetable.'

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'You can tell your grandkids, you rode the most expensive vehicle on Earth!'

'Take one of these three times a day until you start to feel better.'

Auto parts, Lite Puff Pastries, & Health Insurance Exchange.

'The food here isn't too bad, just try not to swallow !'

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'What I call a miracle drug is one that doesn't start a government investigation.'

These drug will cost you an arm and a leg...the good news is, my wife and I own stock in the company that makes them.

Scary Halloween ICD-10 codes.

What the patient heard and what the doctor meant to convey.

'Excuse me, sir. Could you spare $2000,000 to treat an uninsurable pre-existing condition?'

NHS/Private Eye Care.

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

"Of course I believe in unions - Where do you think we doctors would be without the A.M.A.?"