Medicine Jokester Gifts

There aren't any serious side effects — just an occasional Elvis sighting.

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

Man is stopped from entering doctor's surgery by a receptionist dressed as a bouncer.

"Until the plaster sets, try not to laugh."

'Maybe it is psychosomatic.'

Virtual Doctor

'Do you have to use that? -- tongue depressors make me hungry.'

"So, let's catch a wellness wave!"

'The doctors all tell me that you have great medical insurance. They think your coverage might last through most of the tests that they have scheduled.'

"As soon as your dentist gets here, we'll begin."

'Take two and call me from the Emergency room.'

'No, you won't live longer if you give up sex and alcohol. But it'll seem like it.'

'Could you stay out of the room for awhile, Nurse? -- Every time you walk in here, his testosterone levels surge.'

Cardiologist Henry Weil like to add some levity before surgery by hiding a whoopee cushion on the operating table.

'Don't worry about your heart - it will last you till the end of your days. . .!'

Hypochondria Hospital

'Dr. Federson has performed this procedure so many times, he could do it blindfolded with one hand tied behind his back. Show him, doctor.'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

Doctor to patient: 'I won't be asking about your three marriages. This isn't an invasive procedure.'

"Fortunately, we have an excellent selection!"

Pharmaco. He writes drug side effect warnings. Ah, a health scare provider.

'Brain surgery, Harold? Have you lost your mind?!'

"Uh, try unplugging him, then plugging him back in."

'If you're into preparing healthy meals then I recommend the apricot brandy. It contains the antioxidant beta carotene.'

'I've had so many transplants, I feel like a garden nursery.'

Quick! 5-second rule!

Clinic. Let's see … Have there been any injuries, digestive disorders or malpractice suits today? Nope - No hits, no runs, no errors.

'It's always about you isn't it, George? Wouldn't you like to hear about the terrible day I've had for a change?'

Heart Rate, Respiration, Insurance Remaining.

'Two scalpels and a nurses hat are missing...'

"Next time you give CPR try not to use your tongue."

Why dogs are not hired to do bone scans

'So did you want the ectomy, or just the otomy?'

I like a lot of witnesses around.

Patients with HMO dread anesthesia.