Food Restriction Acrobat Gifts

'well, then, I guess you're also lactose substitute intolerant.'

'If you give up alcohol, cigarettes, sex, red meat, cakes and chocolate, and don't get too excited, you can enjoy life for a few more years yet.'

'I never should have ordered the diet platter.'

'You need to stay away from the pie in the sky.'

'It's perfectly normal for middle-aged men to put on a little weight.'

"I'll faithfully follow any diet plan as long as you also prescribe medical marijuana."

'My diet seems to be working great! Do you have any less relaxed jeans?'

"My diet plan for you is if it tastes good, spit it out."

'Humans seem to be so weight-conscious: My rider weighs himself before each race...'

'I followed you advice for losing weight....i got naked and stood in front of a mirror...they threw me out of the restaurant.'

'My wife's on a diet. So far she's lost her personality.'

Diet Books: Fiction/Non-Fiction

"This is the 'carboniferous' age and we're here in the 'Carbs-Are-Really-Bad-For-Us' Age."

'…and I want you to limit yourself to 3 feeding frenzies a day.'

'I don't get it! I've been exercising for six weeks now and haven't lost a pound.'

"Here we go again, every 30,000 years or so this Paleo diet becomes a fad."

I've been told I can order a small mocha. Told? Because of my heart rate and activity level over the past seven days, I've been allotted a daily limit of 1,426 calories. I'm told that's just enough to include one small mocha. Hold on … there's vibrating ... Hold on ... hold on ... buffering ... Bing! Fitness overlords says I'm one calorie away from a medium mocha. It says yelling burns one calorie. I've got to get that app.

All-You-Should-Eat Buffet

"If you order from our wellness menu, you get a side of yogurt with every dish."

"I'm right off my quinoa doc."

'When does the fridge go on a diet?'

The trick to losing weight is to eat a small portion and wait 10 minutes. By then your resolve has caught up with your appetite!

Obesity Report

"I'd like a fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, mini, super-skinny, artisan latte please..."

'I see you're hacking the fridge again.'

"I'm taking you off two of the four food groups."

'Do you have a traditional Christmas dinner, but for a lacto-vegan fruitarian?'

"Ready to head back?"

'And also, no cigarettes, no cigars, no alcohol,no sweets,no dairy products, no bacon, no ham...'

"So, when we stopped serving meals, I thought, why not see this as a marketing opportunity?"

'Mom, your diet says you can eat all the vegetables you want. Wow! A diet without vegetables!'

Lent is a real drag this year. - 'Why? What did you give up?' - 'Hope.' - 'I gave up chocolate. Guess what?1' - 'What?' - 'I've made my ideal weight! Yay!'

'The thin person inside you screaming to get out seems to have cholesterol poisoning.'

'What we have here is a hostage situation - There's a thin person inside you screaming to get out.'

'I need to lose enough pounds to take a thirty-five meal cruise!'