Health-conscious Acrobat Gifts

'Damn! Got to change denture adhesives.'

'Well, well, well...'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

Distance to avoid contagion

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Circus

Vegetarian Nightmare.

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fast Food Dieter

'I don't know. It's too busy.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"One slice—hold the bread."

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

"Eat lots of carrots."

Fitness in church.

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

Formally foods that were good for you.

'Give it to me straight, doc. How much longer do I have in advertising's prime demographic audience?'

"The doctor said I've got 'texter's slump'."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."

"Thank God!"

"Oh, I listen to my body at meal time, but the messages aren't clear because its mouth is full!"

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."