Health-conscious Acrobat Pillows

'Damn! Got to change denture adhesives.'

'Well, well, well...'

Pinocchio's Second Realization

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

Distance to avoid contagion

Now that you have a heart, you really should switch to polyunsaturated oil.

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

"I think globally, but I tend to pollute locally."

"I lost 20lbs on my diet. I guess it's time for a relapse."

Only 1 calorie per serving: One million servings per can.

Vegetarian Nightmare.

Circus

'Fish has mercury, meat has e-coli, veggies have pesticides, desserts cause obesity...so we'll have the health-concious nothing for dinner' special.'

Fast Food Dieter

'I don't know. It's too busy.'

"I'm keeping 'up' distance... there's a reason they are called DROPlets."

"I read that meat can remain undigested in one's intestines for five years...."

'Climbing up a chair to take a bag of potato crisps out of the cupboard five times a day does nor count as exercise, sir!'

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

"Cut down on the Ho-Ho's."

"Gracie, I think you've made your point. We can't completely remove meat from this family's diet...but we will try very hard to cut back, OK?"

"One slice—hold the bread."

New anti-obesity cookbook.

What's the antidote for wheat germ?

"Sugar, trans fats, and an adorable dead baby lamb. Cash back?"

410 BC: The Roman empire begins its slide into decadence.

"Eat lots of carrots."

Fitness in church.

"But why not be happy about all the diseases you don't have?"

'I'm afraid your conditions shows no improvement over last time, Mr. Ferguson -- you must still be doing enjoyable things.'

"Thank God!"

Formally foods that were good for you.

"You forgot my Diet Cola."

"If you drink eight glasses of water every day, you'll due fully hydrated."

"You say that the best thing I could do for my health is to give up alcohol. Let's talk about the second best..."