Food Dislikes Gifts

The Homework and Brussels Sprouts Protests: 'Hey-hey, ho-ho...the scourge of homework has to go!! And brussel sprouts, too...I need a bigger bullhorn.'

"Oh, mournful and terrible engine of horror and crime—of agony and of death, not asparagus again!"

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'The good news is that you don't have mad cow's disease. The bad news is you are lactose intolerant.'

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

Fast Food Dieter

"Mouse? No. They contain cheese and I'm lactose intolerant."

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

The Nihilist Deli.

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

'Now, now...no stealing people's data until you finish your brussels sprouts.'

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

'Gretel, she's lying. It's not gluten free!'

"If medical science wants to be really relevant, it would find a way to let me eat all the bacon I want!"

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'When I'm rich, I'm going to hire a food taster to check for vegetables.'

'There's nothing good to eat!'

"Happy Birthday, dear! It's gluten-free, lactose-free and sugar-free."

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

"It's an ugly nose, but at least it gets rid of some broccoli."

So what's your back story? What do you do? Marketing. Downtown. House of Java.net Cybercafe. I'm an investor in The Infant Restaurant Critic. Heard of it? A baby goes to a restaurants and cafes and tried their food. If he likes it, the eatery gets a glowing online review. If not, curtains! I'm an investor. I'm on the ground floor! Did you only ask about me so you could then talk about yourself? I hear you. You're asking about me. Don't know what's worse: Men, high-tech investors, or the combinat

"If you eat gluten, we have a ton of it in the back."

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"