Food Dislikes Pillows

The Homework and Brussels Sprouts Protests: 'Hey-hey, ho-ho...the scourge of homework has to go!! And brussel sprouts, too...I need a bigger bullhorn.'

"Oh, mournful and terrible engine of horror and crime—of agony and of death, not asparagus again!"

"Bob takes everything with a grain of salt...and pepper...and garlic..."

"I'm putting you on a beef diet. Nothing beef for breakfast, nothing beef for lunch, nothing beef for tea, nothing beef for..."

'I'm from P.E.T.A.. Are you the one who called about animal-rights abuses?'

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

'The Specials are the same as the Main Menu dishes, but with more florid descriptions.'

"Look out, Luke Grasswalker! Irascibility leads to the dark side of the force. . . right into a hamburger bun."

"For the first half hour, I was, like, really there. Enchanted. But I found the wild-quail confit so disappointing that not even the fig reduction on the poached pear could get me back."

"I think I'll have the fish. No, wait... yes, the fish." "So many choices... what is a Reuben? Never mind, I'll have the fish, too." "I always get the same thing, but it's so good. Alright, I'll have the fish."

Fast Food Dieter

'Waiter, I think my wife's calamari is underdone.'

"Mouse? No. They contain cheese and I'm lactose intolerant."

'Come on, eat your spinach.' -' Sorry, I'm on a special diet...No toxic waste.'

The Nihilist Deli.

"Lumpy? Of course it's lumpy! Sweetbread soup is meant to be lumpy."

'Now, now...no stealing people's data until you finish your brussels sprouts.'

"They're doing wonderful things with food I hate."

"If medical science wants to be really relevant, it would find a way to let me eat all the bacon I want!"

'Gretel, she's lying. It's not gluten free!'

"Excuse me, Father...is the host gluten-free?"

"Everywhere you look, there's a rate hike."

'When I'm rich, I'm going to hire a food taster to check for vegetables.'

Grocery Store - Warning: Contents may be hazardous to your health

'There's nothing good to eat!'

"Can you test for broccoli and brussels sprouts too?"

"It's an ugly nose, but at least it gets rid of some broccoli."

"Happy Birthday, dear! It's gluten-free, lactose-free and sugar-free."

'Bananas! Once you've skinned them and removed the bone, there's nothing left.'

"The Garlic Escargot Velouté...would you like that in the traditional tureen, or supersized in a bucket?"

"If you eat gluten, we have a ton of it in the back."

"Who gets the Chateaubriand with the mail-in rebate?"

"Can I substitute saltwater taffy for the five servings of seafood?"

'It's gluten-free or free range or something. Enjoy.'