Food Comedian Gifts

"Charles didn't like tofu."

Ernie, let's clean out the refrigerator. But don't throw this away. I hid my valuable, early-issue coin here. The proof is in the pudding! Help me with the produce drawer. A plum assignment! It looks like these tomatoes have been here for years! They're from my youth, my salad days! Please stop these wisecracks - you've gone too far! I disagree! I can still milk it some more!

Fine, next time we'll only get banana on half. Pizza.

"The spaghetti is too al dente!"

'Put an egg in the bowl and beat it with the whisk.'

Lady using paint roller as rolling pin for baking dough.

"Waitress, have you smoked salmon..?"

"Stephen and I are today's special."

"And the cheese in your omelette? Cheddar, Brie, aged Gouda, Morbier, Torta del Casar, Double Gloucester, Époisses, Shropshire blue, or American?"

"And I'll also take my steak raw thank you."

'Your French dip, sir.'

"States of tofu"

"I don't want to fork. I just want to spoon."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Too Many Lawyers Spoil the Broth

'Oh man I've got a splitting headache.'

''ere - I thought you said your pans were non-stick!'

6 Brothers Falafel

"You're turn to grill tonight Adam, you make the best ribs."

Soup of the month.

"It's how he would have wanted to go."

"I have no idea what, hic, went wrong. I did everything, hic, Mario Batali said."

"That's it. We’re toast."

Chez Nous Menu

Restaurant Francais: All you can pronounce £30.

Peter's Pitas - now with pickled peppers.

Night of the Latkes

'Like death by salad.'

"Ninja bread men"

Wok. Don't Wok.

Frozen Turkey: "I hate to bother you on a holiday but I'm freezing out here. Do you have a heated enclosed space I could rest inside for four to five hours?"

"Tia Carmen, is it okay if my study group meets here tomorrow?"

Cookbooks

As you like it - 'Waiter, chicken with watercress please' 'I'm sorry sir we haven't any chicken left ... but if you wish I bring you a larger portion of watercress...'

"And we are proud to say we only use the freshest artificial ingredients."