Fixer Gifts

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

"I wish I could get to Woody Allen. I think I could help him arrest his slide."

"This Michael Cohen is giving fixers a bad name."

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

Airline Debts: Layoffs to help us stay afloat.

'I am willing to concede that the company has been underperforming of late...'

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

His verbal skills are developing, but his motor skills are very advanced. (Originally published on 2009-02-01).

Delivering red ink to the Berueu of Management and Budget.

Forgot your locker combination? Let Sammy the weasel pick it open for you!

"We probably need to rethink our revenue strategy for the practice."

MD - Cosmetic Surgery and Investment Portfolio Makeovers.

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

"It got so bad that had to bring Jones in to turn things around."

"Post-holiday dieting will be much easier this year. Our disposable cash flow will be diverted."

'Let me tell you why I'm here...'

"Well there it is in black and white gentlemen, we're in the red."

"Get back here and clean out your desk."

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

"For financial reasons we're selling this brick and mortar home and becoming an online family."

"It's time to break up the company!!"

"Kick the machine"

'Agreed then? Your boy takes a dive in the fifth...'

"With finances the way they are we had to give up the idea of a family holiday this year."

Marriage counselor clients: 'Always right,,,never wrong'

'Is the drain still clogged, Henry?'

"You've come to the right lawyer. I not only do divorces, I also specialise in bankruptcy proceedings."

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

"The problem with our marriage is that we can't afford marriage counselling."