Filter Fixer Gifts

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

Waiting for Pants

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Lazy plumber.

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Yes, I've removed lots of fish-hooks from dogs...'

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

"Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again - or pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with it?"

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'Look, Doctor. I just want him cured. I'm not interested in what's wrong with him, so skip the lab work."

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

'It's our last resort.'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'When you're done fixing the furnace, could you gather up these Demons From Hell that escaped?'

Hospital. Emergency. Closed. I'm bleeding and the E.R. is closed, What should I do? Just go home? Suture self!

"We'll get that infected tear duct fixed up in no time."

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

'Please report any drips to maintenance immediately.'

'OK, Mr Smith, we're ready for your colonscopy!'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

Tailor Shop. Repairs. Alterations. You're a tailor who fixes torn pants?! When we met in the bar you said you were a genetic engineer! No, I said I do "jean splicing"!

Stitches.

"Bob, Bob, he's about to open the flyscreen door! It's our chance to get out of this place!"

'That's one way to 'shut down' the system...'