Pipe Fixer Gifts

'Please report any drips to maintenance immediately.'

Chair with a leaking pipe.

'OK, Mr Smith, we're ready for your colonscopy!'

Plumber in a flooded room

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Lazy plumber.

Forgot your locker combination? Let Sammy the weasel pick it open for you!

'Certainly. Here's the break-down. Seventy-five dollars for my labour. And seventy-five dollars for you impersonating a plumber.'

Making it look easy.

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

'Which dog is named 'BOGART'?'

Alpine Pipe

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

Sherlock Holmes.

'Is the drain still clogged, Henry?'

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

"I told him to trim a couple of inches off the middle and he thought it was a fat remark."

Trilby -The Laird - 'It did one good to look at him'.

Mr Chuckster Old Curiosity Shop

"Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again - or pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with it?"

I hate it when they start without us.

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

'I wonder how you flush this thing?'

"Now all I need is daddy's pipe to stink up the place!"

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

'Damn. The dark is leaking out of the dark room again.'

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

Bertrand Russell.

'I represent a broad-based coalition of anti-pipe interests....'

'When you're done fixing the furnace, could you gather up these Demons From Hell that escaped?'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'