Filter Fixer Pillows

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

Waiting for Pants

'Incredibly Inexpensive Sound Engineers. Pretty Good Sound Engineers, 12 the price, 23 the quality. You'll hardly notice the occasional feedback.'

'The upside is that if the water gets high enough all your termites might drown.'

Lazy plumber.

'I told him over and over again never to press 'delete' more than twice!'

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'Yes, I've removed lots of fish-hooks from dogs...'

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

"You were right, dear, slippers, shiny floor and a grouting gun don't mix."

"Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again - or pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with it?"

'Freezer is on the blink.'

'Look, Doctor. I just want him cured. I'm not interested in what's wrong with him, so skip the lab work."

"Hi, I'm your new neighbour. I work as a maintenance engineer on the Thames Flood Barrier."

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

"We'll get that infected tear duct fixed up in no time."

'When you're done fixing the furnace, could you gather up these Demons From Hell that escaped?'

'No, you're the plumber, you go and check how bad the leak is.'

"That's really great , but what do you do if you want to remove the nail?"

'It's our last resort.'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'Please report any drips to maintenance immediately.'

'OK, Mr Smith, we're ready for your colonscopy!'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'That's one way to 'shut down' the system...'

Stitches.

"Bob, Bob, he's about to open the flyscreen door! It's our chance to get out of this place!"

'OK Smith, you can take this back to the Woodwork room now!'