Fabric Fixer Gifts

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

Stitches.

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

'Are you sure you brought the right flat pack?'

George was a bit intimidated by his IKEA self-assembly wardrobe.

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

"She does this when she's tired."

Chair - Ready for Self Assembly.

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

DIY.

"I can't find the instructions."

"I bit someone once, but It was just to establish credibility."

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

Super glue . . .

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

Irritable dowel syndrome

Jude completely misunderstands his doctor's request for a stool sample.

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

'Are you ready for me to read the instructions yet?'

Nobody new the identity of the mad bandager

"Try to open Grampy's chair a little slower next time, puddin'."

Unfinished Furniture.

'Agreed then? Your boy takes a dive in the fifth...'

"It ain't pretty. You got a bad flap-valve leak, and your tenor drones are all gunked up. It'll be a week at least, IF I can get the parts. I do got a loaner, but she ain't much."

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'

'Hello, Biggo Farm Equipment? How much longer is it going to take to get my manure spreader fixed?'

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'