Faucet Fixer Gifts

'Ah - you must be the Polish plumber.'

Christmas tree with wadded up lights.

'Due to the poor response to the roof repair fund we cannot afford to lift the rafters when rejoicing in song.'

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

"Are you sure there wasn't a floor model?"

"Whoa. There's a huge crack down here." "Tell me about it."

"Fido's determined to find that bone."

'Are you sure you brought the right flat pack?'

George was a bit intimidated by his IKEA self-assembly wardrobe.

"I thought you were out front telling the fence company how to do their job."

"She does this when she's tired."

Chair - Ready for Self Assembly.

'Yes, you were abandoned. But then I adopted you. Why are you still taking it out on my couch?'

DIY.

Super glue . . .

"I can't find the instructions."

'They had three puppies and four kids before me: It's almost impossible to find a piece of furniture that hasn't been chewed on...'

"I bit someone once, but It was just to establish credibility."

Handy-lion

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

Irritable dowel syndrome

Jude completely misunderstands his doctor's request for a stool sample.

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

'Are you ready for me to read the instructions yet?'

Nobody new the identity of the mad bandager

"Kick the machine"

Unfinished Furniture.

"Try to open Grampy's chair a little slower next time, puddin'."

"Dad, I'll assemble yours if you assemble mine."

Young Roger Penrose: 'Dad, I want to become a floor tiler.'

'They can be a real menace at this time of year.'