Finance Comedy Fan Pillows

"The good news is that we found you, sir. The bad news is the stock shot up 43 points upon rumors of your demise."

'Now that I have your attention...'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

Loan Alley

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

Jumping Wall Street.

'What do you mean, the chart resembles an iceberg?'

"At least we're consistent ... "

Yes, they are all dependants."

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'Our tabby was pre-approved for a credit card!'

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

The Decline of the Euro.

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

In case of falling markets break glass.

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

"Sure, it may be great for us, but it's hell on the markets."

'Due to current market conditions, I'm recommending that my clients invest heavily into pain medication companies.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

Ireland and its Celtic Tiger request some donations

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Federal Guidelines

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

Inflation is a national headache. . . caused by asset indigestion!

'We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's a tax deduction.'

Black hole-in-the-wall at Jodrell Bank

"We must do something about the bloated, fat cat image bankers have a acquired...I think I'll settle for a bigger chair!"