Financial Comedy Fans Pillows

'You mean there's no money back guaranteed if I'm not satisfied?'

'Now that I have your attention...'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

Loan Alley

'The bank says they're freezing my assets! I don't understand: They've always been frozen...'

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

'How to time the market' seminar - 2pm, postponed to 3pm, then to 4pm.

Jumping Wall Street.

Bingo! Credit card number!! The real reason raccoons like garbage.

'This is our golden anniversary. Let's invest in gold.'

'I wonder how the economy is doing.'

Yes, they are all dependants."

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

'Sorry, folks! The CEO and Board of Directors didn't show up.'

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

'That's it gentlemen, we're broke. Anybody know any good jokes?'

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

Footing The Bill

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

In case of falling markets break glass.

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"Sure, it may be great for us, but it's hell on the markets."

'We've reached the thirty percent cut in operating expenses you wanted and we're the only two left in the building.'

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Federal Guidelines

"At least we no longer have the pressure of handling so much money."

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

"We went dutch - he must have reached his two-hundred-dollar dating deductible."

Black hole-in-the-wall at Jodrell Bank

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

'Well, son... I've made my first million by selling my unpaid bills to the paper-recycling guy!'

News and Magazines. Record Debt. Dollar Down. How can the dollar be weak when we've been giving it such a good workout?