Financial Comedy Lover Pillows

'You're sure you've conducted an internal audit before?'

'Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing.'

'My attorney will explain why calling it a 'bear market' makes me a victim of profiling.'

"I won't be able to handle your account anymore, as it suddenly appears that you're a small investor.'

"He was expecting a golden handshake."

'Ask your doctor if investing in the market is right for you.'

'Deal Done! He advised me to go into Bradford and Bingley in the first place!'

'You mean we're not bankrupt?'

'I had to co-pay for the bagel.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

Loan Alley

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

Jumping Wall Street.

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

In case of falling markets break glass.

'I blame Iceland - it's PAYBACK!'

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

"Sure, it may be great for us, but it's hell on the markets."

Federal Guidelines

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

"The scammers managed to clear out your entire pension fund."

'Your investments in sub prime mortgages have become collectors items now! Aren't you excited?'

'Oh my God!! The economy's in ruins! There's no money!'

"I know they say that laughter at work is healthy, but not when they're laughing at our profit forecasts!"

Black hole-in-the-wall at Jodrell Bank

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'

"Let us pray for the possessed...and the re-possessed"