Financial Comedy Lover Pillows

'You're sure you've conducted an internal audit before?'

'Right you've got 30 minutes...start squeezing.'

'My attorney will explain why calling it a 'bear market' makes me a victim of profiling.'

"I won't be able to handle your account anymore, as it suddenly appears that you're a small investor.'

"He was expecting a golden handshake."

'Ask your doctor if investing in the market is right for you.'

'Deal Done! He advised me to go into Bradford and Bingley in the first place!'

'You mean we're not bankrupt?'

'I had to co-pay for the bagel.'

'Now that I have your attention...'

'The check is in the email attachment.'

Loan Alley

Our Motto: Buy Low Sell High is the Best Revenge.'

'All we can do is hope for identity theft.'

Bingo! Credit card number!! The real reason raccoons like garbage.

Jumping Wall Street.

'A temporary solution would be to white out this part of the chart.'

'Eureka! I found the gene that causes people to sell low and buy high!'

'Credit being what it is, I'm sure you won't mind if we see your 200,000 cattle first...'

"Cook the books al dente so the auditor will have a little something to crunch."

'I blame Iceland - it's PAYBACK!'

'Oh that's weird! i just had a shiver go down my wallet. My wife must have just bought something.'

"The interest rate can't go any lower, so if necessary, we'll have to go back to pounds of flesh."

In case of falling markets break glass.

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Sure, it may be great for us, but it's hell on the markets."

"Okay, what if we go outside - will it still be insider trading then?"

'Money, that's what seperates us from the apes.'

'I consider myself to be a sophisticated investor. I would never invest in penny stocks. I lost all of my money investing with a brokerage specializing in nickel stocks.'

Federal Guidelines

News and Magazines. Record Debt. Dollar Down. How can the dollar be weak when we've been giving it such a good workout?

"It's part of a deal I worked out with the I.R.S."

'We don't care if it's a boy or a girl, as long as it's a tax deduction.'

"Let us pray for the possessed...and the re-possessed"

'Greece is up for auction on eBay - and there's no bidders.'