Festive Tale Collector Gifts

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"You do realize his ‘nose so bright’ is going to attract a horde of Defense Department drones."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

Father Christmas Painting Robins.

"Define fair."

7 More Dwarfs

"Once upon a time there was a kind bank manager who found all the money lost in the global financial meltdown, brought world peace, stopped global warming, cured the common cold and discovered Julian Assange is Santa."

A feminist Christmas.

"I hate to spoil your porridge, but your son has a blonde in his room."

"Same hectic routine every damn year. Mind if I hang back with you?"

Knight before Christmas

'My brother got all the glory. For me it was Randolph with your nose so pink, you really make my sleigh team stink.'

"Due to budget cuts, I will be your Ghost of Christmas Past, Present and Future."

Antique shop owner looks at old chalice, saying: 'Well, it MIGHT be worth something if it had the original myrrh inside.'

'I've been knocking for ages!'

"I'm playing Santa in the Christmas play. I need a pillow and eight tiny reindeer by Friday."

Boy Prays for a Full Stocking

Updated Fables. The Ant And The Grasshopper … And The Mosquito. IRS.

Brothers Grimm

"Obviously, because he had the best P.R. people he was the most famous reindeer of all."

How the little banjo boy became a drummer

Free Chimney Cleaning.

"It's just temporary, Comet, until Rudolph feels better."

'He says he's a friend of the Santa Claus.'

Twas 4 nights before Christmas and Santa's spirits aren't high. Unless hitched to his sleigh, his reindeer can't fly...

'Hunting doesn't make you naughty, it's natural: Santa knows that...'

Elf Farm

Caterpillar and stockings.

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

'This is the part of the job I hate.'

'Plus I found this great set of porridge bowls!'

'Sorry we're late, we lost three days following one of those Chinese lanterns.'

'... Well, I don't know where your Daddy got that idea. I have plenty of brand new bikes in my workshop.'

'...Santa delivers to Yorkshire first...everybody else has to wait because they're not as good.'

Christmas Recalculating