Holiday Story Collector Gifts

'We've all got to make sacrifices at Christmas Tiny Tim.'

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"I love these old decorations!"

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”

Filming Christmas

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

Newborn making the V-sign

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

'Happens every year - I can never remember where I put the tree decorations.'

There's no place like Ho-Ho-Home

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

Johnny and Moloch

'While our cases were soaking up the sun over there we were soaking up the rain over here!'

The First Black Friday

A frog catches an insect truck.

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

"We didn't see anything so special about the light in Greece. We have the same light in Tuckahoe."

Slay Ride.

"Thank you for the best Christmas ever. - Gracie"

'It's not a stable, it's a pop-up hotel'

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

"I'm the ghost of Christmas past and future because time has no meaning anymore."

"I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy." "Our only hope."

'You've got a cheek asking me if I've been naughty. I saw you kissing my mum under the mistletoe last year!'