Holiday Story Collector Gifts

'We've all got to make sacrifices at Christmas Tiny Tim.'

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

"I love these old decorations!"

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”

Filming Christmas

"No, I don't think you 'new break shoes', I think you need new break feet. You are supposed to depress the brake pedal you know."

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

Newborn making the V-sign

'Happens every year - I can never remember where I put the tree decorations.'

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Johnny and Moloch

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

'While our cases were soaking up the sun over there we were soaking up the rain over here!'

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

The First Black Friday

A frog catches an insect truck.

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

"We didn't see anything so special about the light in Greece. We have the same light in Tuckahoe."

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

Slay Ride.

"Thank you for the best Christmas ever. - Gracie"

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

'It's not a stable, it's a pop-up hotel'

"I am as light as a feather, I am as happy as an angel, I am as merry as a school-boy." "Our only hope."

"I'm the ghost of Christmas past and future because time has no meaning anymore."

'You've got a cheek asking me if I've been naughty. I saw you kissing my mum under the mistletoe last year!'

'I don't know whether the shepherds had infrared imaging equipment or not. I just know they were watching their flocks by night.'