Christmas Story Collector Gifts

Santa Deals with a 'Naughty list' recipient

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"I love these old decorations!"

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

Who's Dead

Newborn making the V-sign

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

A sheep, a humming bird and a beetle - 'Baa, hum, bug'

Johnny and Moloch

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

Aladdin's Cave of Wonder

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

'Why miniature reindeer? Why not a flying dog-sled team?'

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

Free Chimney Cleaning.

'Cards don't send greetings, people send greetings.'

'My dad, says you're not the real Santa. He said, you're just some fella off the dole.'

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

Christmas Tree Decorated with Books.

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

"It's time we have a little chat."

"The Crandalls wish us a Merry Christmas, and add that they're now worth over two million."

'Sorry we're late, we lost three days following one of those Chinese lanterns.'

The oft-forgotten Three Old Wines who didn't quite manage to follow the star.

'A Christmas card from the Hendersons! Did we send them one?' (wife to husband on desert island).

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

"We met online."