Christmas Story Collector Pillows

Santa Deals with a 'Naughty list' recipient

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"I love these old decorations!"

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

"Heavens above no, I'm not the angel of the Lord. I'm the landlord from the Angel. I wondered if you fancied a pint."

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

Who's Dead

Newborn making the V-sign

Papa, how come Rudolph has a red nose? Because he's a drunk, son. Plain and simple.

A sheep, a humming bird and a beetle - 'Baa, hum, bug'

"He is stingy. If he is giving gold it's only because prices have hit rock-bottom..."

'Neat photo Lucy, I'll put it up in my room... Do you have any drawing pins?'

Johnny and Moloch

"I've seen a lot in my time, Ted, but it was always from the cheap seats."

"Gold ended the day on a new high, while frankincense and myrrh both opened well but faded as the markets closed."

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

Master Humphrey's visionary friends

Aladdin's Cave of Wonder

'Why miniature reindeer? Why not a flying dog-sled team?'

"As I call each of your names, please answer by saying 'Present'"

Excess Baggage: As soon as you pick a vacation destination, people who have never been there start to tell you horror stories about the place.

Free Chimney Cleaning.

'Cards don't send greetings, people send greetings.'

"It's time we have a little chat."

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

'It doesn't say anything about gift tax, son. It just says the Magi came bearing gifts.'

Christmas Tree Decorated with Books.

'My dad, says you're not the real Santa. He said, you're just some fella off the dole.'

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

"The Crandalls wish us a Merry Christmas, and add that they're now worth over two million."

Homeless man's sign: 'Will sell book & movie rights to the story of my downfall for a cool million.'

The oft-forgotten Three Old Wines who didn't quite manage to follow the star.

'Sorry we're late, we lost three days following one of those Chinese lanterns.'

'A Christmas card from the Hendersons! Did we send them one?' (wife to husband on desert island).