Collector Of Holiday Stories Pillows

"I told you not to ask every b****r we met on the cruise to visit us when we got home!"

"Damn. I think I missed the turn for Bethlehem."

"The document states that you've been left your mother's jowls and upper arm flab."

"I prefer to talk to Mrs. Claus. She doesn't care if I'm naughty or nice."

Filming Christmas

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

“He’s timid, very shy. I rescued him from some wacko who tried to steal Christmas.”

'Tom's always been the black sheep of the family.'

'I don't remember ever having a good memory.'

'Happens every year - I can never remember where I put the tree decorations.'

Newborn making the V-sign

''Masterpiece Theater' will not be seen tonight, so that we may bring you 'Slushpile Showplace'....'

"Identity theft hotline? Yes, it's Dracula again. Millions of people are still stealing my identity on Halloween."

Santa Claus writes a 'Yule Blog'.

The Cricket on the Hearth - Title-page to the first edition

"When my Tia Maggie got married, she wanted 8 kids...and her husband wanted 2 kids."

'I've been knocking for ages!'

Johnny and Moloch

'While our cases were soaking up the sun over there we were soaking up the rain over here!'

The First Black Friday

"Back in my day there weren't any delivery trucks, distribution centers and fancy computers! We just hopped door-to-door until our feet bled!"

"Grandpa! You have to let me put those under my pillow!"

' You shouldn't believe everything you read in the fairy stories.'

T'was the night before the night before Christmas.

"She was this tall with curly blonde hair Officer: She ate our porridge and broke our furniture..."

"We didn't see anything so special about the light in Greece. We have the same light in Tuckahoe."

Slay Ride.

"Mrs. Santa Claus wants a divorce, the elves in my workshop is on strike, the reindeer just hate me and global warming makes my place in the North Pole melt!"

'It was owned by a little ol' lady who didn't drive it. She used a motor scooter on Saturdays.'

"Thank you for the best Christmas ever. - Gracie"

Prompts on the Antiques Roadshow.

'It's not a stable, it's a pop-up hotel'

'This is for a different book.'

'You've got a cheek asking me if I've been naughty. I saw you kissing my mum under the mistletoe last year!'

'I don't know whether the shepherds had infrared imaging equipment or not. I just know they were watching their flocks by night.'