Family Dining Aficionado Gifts

'Are you still eating your breakfast? I want to lay the table for lunch.'

"Your food didn't melt, young man... this is the soup course."

"The menu just says fried fish, but may I give you a more compelling, surprisingly lyrical description?"

T"ruly, Susan, I envy no man."

Life with a professional baseball catcher.

"Waiter! Two of your finest menus!"

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

'We don't 'skimp' on the pour, sir; we're just generous with the glass.'

'Er . . . and a fork for me...'

"Which wine would you pair with the complimentary bread and butter?"

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

Mother feeds messy child with extra long spoon.

Periodic table for two. Chez LMN't

"Have you decided on what you'd like to have?"

'You're lucky there, Sir. That's the last one in the world.'

"The wine has subtle hints of expensive pretension, but it's balanced nicely by the screw cap."

'Do you want your zebra de la margola rare, medium or well done?'

"Waiter, there's a hare in my salad!"

Congratulations, dear! Your home cooked dinner was so good you'd think it was an expensive frozen entree!

'Aw, mom! How come I always have to eat at the kiddie carcass?'

"How's the salmon?"

"The prices they charge here, you'd expect them to have an oven not just a gas ring!"

"In our house the four major food groups are Bordeaux, Merlot, Chardonnay and Champagne."

"Room for dessert, folks?"

'In case of fire, don't panic, pay your bill then run like hell.'

'I'm thankful you didn't make turnips.'

'I'll give you a bite of my calamari for one of your stuffed shrimp.'

'George, you're supposed to be tasting the wine, not seeing what effect it has.'

'I'm filling in for the sommelier. We have a fine shiraz today for only $39. It's 14.7 alcohol, a Class 1B flammable, so if I see you consume it near an open flame, I'll have to cite you.'

"....and hold the garlic."

"This deserves an Instagram photo. Would you mind taking a picture of someone washing the dishes when I'm done?"

"You've all been like a company to me."

Man Trying to Uncork Champagne.

"...and the asparagus this evening is delightful. It's been simmering all day in the tears of the poor."

"For drinks or dinner?"