Family Banter Enthusiast Pillows

"Has your mother called yet on the international situation?"

"Dad, just because you're old, and Chinese, doesn't make everything you say a proverb."

"Vegetarian" is such a predictable phase. You'll grow out of it. Teddy? A word please. Come on, dad! You know I'm right. You may be. But your sister is stubborn. She digs in her heels. So? You added 5 years to her predictable vegetarian phase. I didn't predict that. Best colleges for Vegetarians.

"I think our daughter got her brains from me."

"Your big sister's getting married tomorrow, eat your greens or it's me and you on the dance floor."

"Couldn't you have just laughed instead of spelling 'LOL' in your alphabet soup?"

No one has ever been accused of choosing bad relatives.

'Sure, a drawing on Facebook has coverage, but nothing wows the family like a spread on the fridge.'

Suffering from Cooties?

'Thank goodness you were wrong mom, dad says a period is what comes at the end of a sentence.'

"It's so nice to finally put a face to the name."

"If you insist on doing all the voices, Dad. Don't you think father bear should have a deeper voice than Goldilocks?"

I love my family!

"Listen. Nobody's cuter than anyone else! You're all equally cute!"

"Great job of acting! You really appeared excited about Aunt May's 'famous' green bean casserole."

My 5-year-old nephew cut his hair! His mom was so upset until she thought: 'Wait a minute! I just saved 12 bucks!'

Mother's Love

"After I fix your laptop, can I have a bedtime story?"

It's a Boy

'Why is it taking so long to eat your soup?'

"You're crappin' in the closet again, Claude."

The Family Joules: Part 5

"Good work Tim, you snatch it all: none of this sharing with your brother nonsense..."

'It was romantic before we had kids. Build some stairs.'

'I think babies grow in a mommy's tummy and adopted babies grow in a mommy's heart.'

"Good news. It wasn't a toxic chemical leak. It was an old pizza in your kid's room."

'I'm doing a school report on 'the aging process,' Dad -- can I interview you?'

"I'll bet you're very proud of your handsome, well-behaved little sporks here."

"We've intended to ask you about it for some time, Doctor, but never got around to it."

'They're a very successful family.'

"We're going to pay for your obedience school but after that you're on your own."

"I told my mom either the sitter goes, or I go!"

"I'm back. My family didn't want to spend more time with me."

Mummy?!

"Okay, just one story. Once upon a time, there was a naughty little boy who wouldn't go to sleep."