Facetious Philosopher Gifts

'I still hold out hope that one day the wind will change back.'

Pigeon Little

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

'I respond to stimuli, therefore I ham.'

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"Is it always so cloudy?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Shooting - No. III

"It Works For Us."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"Do you have any why-to books?"

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

The end is near.

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

Can we see our way clear to doing something about air pollution?

Phrenology - Braille Edition.

I lactate, therefore I am.

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."