Facetious Philosophers Gifts

Every day is groundhog day.

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

Reverse psychology

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

He can't talk yet, but he still gets the last word.

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Shooting - No. III

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

"It Works For Us."

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

"Hey, universe! I'm significant and I'm in charge!"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

"Do you have any why-to books?"

'Well, that answers that age-old question. According to the tape, the chicken came first. . . which brings up another age-old question: is the last one a rotten egg?'

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian."

The end is near.