Facetious Philosophers Gifts

Every day is groundhog day.

Pigeon Little

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

"You can't compare apples and oranges because oranges have longer legs."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

Reverse psychology

Beyond the known and the unknown.

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"My parents are going to pay for my education but I'm on my own for any attorney's fees."

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

'You're a water sign and I'm an earth sign. . .Together we're mud.'

'It had taken some time, but the finding of a spaghetti junction brought immense satisfaction.'

"...I want to find out whether there's any truth in the belief that money can't buy happiness."

'Don't Move!' - 'Why would I want to move? Lived here for 51 years, know all the neighbours, shops nearby, post office is closed but...'

"Now they're saying 80 is the new 70. So, when's the new dead?"

The existentialist manifesto according to Jean-Paul Sinatra-'oooby Dooby Doo!'

"Is it always so cloudy?"

"I've done a lot of soul searching, and I've come to the conclusion that I should be thinking less about money and more about naked women."

"The gods aren't angry, Tara. They're just hurt and disappointed."

"It Works For Us."

"It's chic to be vulnerable."

'Did you ever wonder why iced coffee is goof but cold coffee isn't? . . . You're not curious like I am.'

Mr Briggs's Pleasures of Shooting - No. III

"Do you have any why-to books?"

'Well, that answers that age-old question. According to the tape, the chicken came first. . . which brings up another age-old question: is the last one a rotten egg?'

"No thanks, I'm vegetarian."

"My mum always said life is like a tin of cat food. You never know what you're gonna get..."

"After the Great Seagull Reincarnation, we'll spend eternity stealing sandwiches and defecating as we please."

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"