Everyday Absurdist Gifts

"Spit it out! Now!"

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

Evolution Of The Jet Ski

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'I'm about to die and now I realise I have REALLY BAD breath!'

'Could you ask him where he left the remote?'

No Double Parking

Crashed Aliens - "Miss Fortnum, come in here immediately..and bring the first aid kit."

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

That's It

A Centaur Taking A Shower

'Will you watch where you're going with that thing?'

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

'We try to only make bad loans to good people.'

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

"I can't wait to post this."

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

"I'm so glad you suggested we insert his heart on Valentine's Day!"

The sudden extinction of Neanderclowns

"Can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of something."

'Now that's what I call an overactive thyroid.'

"This isn't a donor heart. It's a tuna on rye."

G.K. Chesterton.

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

"It's good luck."

"It's a smaller, less destructive nuclear weapon, but it's also a hat."

The very rare and elusive Eskimo turtle.

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"