Everyday Absurdist Gifts

"Spit it out! Now!"

"What do you recommend for someone being tried in absentia?"

'Maybe it should be funnier...'

"Still Undecided Political Blocs"

"Staring down the enemy in the heat of battle! That is how sausage is made!"

'Don't you have a better escape plan than that?'

"Are you the one they call El Cóndor?"

Evolution Of The Jet Ski

'Today we will lock the monkey in a room...' 'Why do I volunteer for this?'

'If you want to hear the ocean, press one.'

'I'm about to die and now I realise I have REALLY BAD breath!'

'Could you ask him where he left the remote?'

Man in traffic jam watches couple row while eating popcorn.

Crashed Aliens - "Miss Fortnum, come in here immediately..and bring the first aid kit."

A Centaur Taking A Shower

Executioner forgetting his glasses.

'Will you watch where you're going with that thing?'

"I'm so glad you suggested we insert his heart on Valentine's Day!"

"If you are a Pulitzer-prize winner, press 1. All others, please press 2."

'We try to only make bad loans to good people.'

"I can't wait to post this."

'I just found out that our credit union is illusory!'

I think the speed grazing record is in the bag!

"Can I call you back? I'm right in the middle of something."

'Now that's what I call an overactive thyroid.'

G.K. Chesterton.

The End is Near. Have A Cone.

"It's good luck."

"Do you think he'll bring treats?"

"It's a smaller, less destructive nuclear weapon, but it's also a hat."

Paul Verlaine

"If we pull this off, we've made burglary history!"