Ethical Epicurean T-Shirts

"May we see something from local hydroponically grown grapes aged in casks made from non-endangered trees?"

"I guess it's ethical. Let me run it through my 'Ethics Check' app."

'I'm sure M'lady will appreciate the mashed potatoes. Our chef uses only grass-fed single-udder butter.'

'No, I'm not the sommelier; in fact, I don't even work here - I've just always wanted to try this wine.'

Holiday Supplies

The Origins of Everything

"Hickory smoke—that's what gives it that hearty Western flavor."

"It was a really romantic dinner. I cried when he gave me roses. We had lobster and wine. He cried when we got the bill."

'Still, there's a lot of money to be made.'

"Do you want to ruin me?! Take it away!!"

"Call this cordon bleu?"

Nasty, Shady, and Gruesome equal Massive potential profits

"I suppose it's too late to start testing on animals?"

" . . . and white, not yellow. Block, not shredded. Aged, but not too aged that it doesn't slice well."

Paul Bocuse caricature

"What would you suggest as a dinner strategy?"

'Leeks can disappoint you and garlic will break your heart, but only onions make you cry.'

Michel Roux Jr

"Honey, quick – the demi-glace is about to simmer – pass me a shot of Don Julio 1942 tequila!"

"On the one hand, we'll burn in hell; on the other, that's a lot of money."

'That's it agreed then - the company's new motto is going to be 'We didn't do anything illegal'.'

'Our five-course dinners start with denial, followed by anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance.'

Anthony Bourdain with Chopsticks

How to injury yourself as an adult

'Your business plan needs work, I'm not feeling a tingle of moral remorse.'

"Since I proved in my last lecture that none of us really exist...I'm going to change this to a cooking class!"

'If I have but one life to live, Pierre, it's going to be a gastric life.'

'How many Breadsticks have you eaten?'

"I see you've finished your meal, sir. Can I get you anything else?... Coffee? Brandy? A doctor?"

'Expensive? Yes, but I don't exploit my mother.'

'On your way back from the Holy Land, can you stop at Paris and pick up some creme brulee?'

"Well, I don't care if it is some kind of fancy-schmancy restaurant...if I want ketchup, I'm gonna get ketchup!"

"Bob, no! You don't drown in white wine with steak!"

'Good thing the recipe doesn't call for two tablespoons of port, we'd need a second cart.'

"The book, How to Serve Man! It's. . . It's a cook book, filled with recipes that use MSG and transfats!"