Eternal Life Club Member Gifts

"You name it, and he had a donor card for it."

We called this meeting to decide your torture, Mr. Jones. Then we realized we could kill two birds with one stone by making this meeting eternal.

'Frank's last request was that he be cremated and that I never give up his season tickets.'

Table for two. Whom does sir think he's kidding? You're right table for one. Menu.

'And the winner of the 'biggest loser in love' category is...'

Snub Marine

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

"Your immortality tonic may not be worth it, Sol."

"I wonder why the kids named me Mourinho? I hope it's not because I'll only last a few days..."

Late again.

'Well if sixty is the new fifty and forty is the new thirty then yes,twenty must be the new ten...'

Say hello to Myrna Dinsdale. Myrna finally had one face-lift too many.

"When you talked me into eternal life, you left out the part about menopause."

Four Stages of Boyhood

"Relax, at your age it's perfectly natural to make groaning noises every time you move a body part."

'I think if we were to pretend to be dumb, they would lose interest in us...'

"I've always admired you. I find your complete lack of compassion refreshing."

The eco club demands that the school stop buying bottled water! Ok. Principal. Ok? You're right. The school needs to be green. Wow! The administration is so ecologically advanced! We try! Clever move, axing bottled water to balance our budget last month. We're saving green.

Liverpool FC Chairman - "It's Man United, they want to know if we've any trophy cabinets going spare."

"I'd like to be on time for school but it makes the day too long!"

Members only.

Old man: 'Good news! Scientists have doubled the lifespan of cockroaches.'

Arsene Wenger's piggy bank and Andre Villas Boas.

My latest invention is genius. It's an affinity card for our best customers. That's not a new idea. Airlines, rental car agencies, hotels … They all have loyalty programs where you can earn discounts and special treatment. Spare me. Ours has a way better name: The Cafe Exclusive VIP Premier Executive Best Customer Reward Program. And we don't trouble customers with confusing discounts and benefits. All hail the VIP premier cheapskate.

"I'm not actually 40 this year but that's the birthday I celebrate every year."

I've reversed the aging process,,,

If you could change just one thing about yourself, what would it be? I'd totally wish to have my brain put into a robot body. That way I could live forever. Imagine living long enough to buy an iPhone 7000. Wrong answer. An alpha male never lets on that he's concerned about his mortality. You answer should have been nothing. That alpha male or female is not afraid of death, little buddy. I think I'd rather wait for the 7000-S. Stop it.

Angel Nightclub: The Head of a Pin.

Clock-faced man uses anti-aging cream to turn back the hands of time.

"Sorry I'm late. Heavy traffic."

I, Maryanne, promise to see all of your games in sickness or in health, for richer or for poorer, until death do I watch.

'Eat at my place, I'm very lonely'

the ventriloquist

'I can't get the childproof cap off.'

A flower nursery: 'Annuals' 'Perennials' 'Eternals'