Entertainment Industry Hopeful Gifts

'I told you I'd make you a star.'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"Don't worry - I'm here for the television."

"The batteries in his TV remote died. The shock of not being able to use it for two minutes has put him in a temporary state of shock."

"An actor, you say? Guess you caught the acting-like-a-waiter bug."

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Mum, I got the job!"

Chef uses Harp to cut Sausages

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"

Sid Sinatra.

Derek and Clive (Dudley Moore and Peter Cook).

Stunt lemmings.

"It's a long-term strategy to make them lazy and complacent first."

"I'm thinking action roles might not really be your thing."

Siegfried and Roy - grand re-opening.

"Er. . . anything else?"

"Nobody at school will laugh at me."

Bear Juggling Penguins.

'Therapy in L.A.'

'The Final Merger'

"We interrupt this rubbish to give you another chance to switch off."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

"When you think about it, you have to be a complete idiot not to believe aliens crashed at Roswell in 1947." "Before 1947: primitive cars, planes, and radio. After 1947: space ships, quantum computing, internet." "Let me try... Before 1947: no bikinis. After 1947: bikinis." "No, wait... The bikini was 1946. That throws this whole theory into question." "We really should have our own science show."

'Here's looking at you, kid...'

Trump commissions song

"So I play this guy named Stan Snorkel who finds a big, gray poodle..."

Gossip columns: 'And rumour has it that singer, Kelli B is said to be in shock after finding out longtime boyfriend, actor Todd Korfull, has been having an affair with, now get this, KELLI'S agent!! YEEOUCH!...' A column talking

Larry David

"I can sleep late, but, as his agent, I still get ten percent of the worm."

Actors getting married. 'Best supporting man'

'And who are you wearing?'

'Man it's a tough crowd tonight!'

Note to self: Call lawyer, ask if he has any experience with charges of treason. What's lawyer got to do … got to do with it … What? What are you doing? Tina Turner. My second favorite singer, after Clay Aiken. She's amazing. I investigated every single one of her concerts. Good times. Wanna see my Tina Turner tattoo? I'm not a Russian spy!! What is this, 1985?! Good year. Tina was in "Mad Max" that year.