Entertainment Industry Enthusiast Gifts

'...Then at 2:30. Senator, you're meeting with a group of woman who want legislation requiring the girls in music videos to be the same age as the rock stars.'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

Showbiz Awards

"Would you sit and watch a 12 hour movie?"

'I'd explain how the TV, VCR, DVD, surround sound home entertainment system works...but I don't know.'

Job Vacancy: Human cannonball. Applicants must of the right calibre

Reese Witherspoon

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

Big screen TV.

"Spoiler alert! I'm about to tell you the part that really bugged me about 'Wolverine.'" "You don't have to say 'spoiler alert,' minion. It's been a month." "Anyone who hasn't seen it yet has not fulfilled their role as a dutiful consumer, and deserves whatever spoilage they will receive." "In fact, let me know who they are and I'll enter them into my database. When the corporatist revolution comes, there will be consequences." "Um... never mind."

'Would you like you steak WITH or WITHOUT a capella?'

Hairy men taking advantage of the laser tag/laser hair removal combo package.

"Maybe you set it up wrong."

Showing off the good china 3-7 pm.

"We need to sue, claiming free speech is being violated by remotes with fast forward buttons."

"We can stop entertaining ourselves now, Ian."

"Forget the harps, we can spend Eternity in there."

"I love being your agent, Nick, but the guys making the really big bucks now are the managers. Let me be your manager."

'Looks like everyone has FINALLY gone home.'

Music Hall Dancers

John Barth wrote "Everyone is necessarily the hero of his own life story." That he did, little buddy. But what if a person spends most of his life watching tv, films, Youtube, Instagram, Facebook, etc? What if my -- I mean, this person's -- life story is watching other people's life stories? Does that make other people the hero of this person's story? Sometimes I don't know where I end and Kanye begins. That'd be somewhere around Kim Kardashian.

Starvation Watching

Derek and Clive (Dudley Moore and Peter Cook).

'Just remember, he's bigger, but you're funnier. As soon as he starts laughing, you've got him!'

'It's nice, but I wish we could get more than one channel.'

'I'm not a magician, but I do keep live doves in my pants.'

'Another balloon animal? And who do you think ends up taking care of these?'

Jim Carrey,

"Is it 'Measure once, cut twice?' Or 'Cut once, then measure?' Or maybe it's..."

Lady throws dart to decide which soap opera she's going to watch.

Sid Sinatra.

Maps to the homes of guys with friends who know some of the limo drivers of the personal trainers of the stars.

Medieval headlines.

Frank's bar & grill & jukebox & pool table & chairs & bathroom & mechanical bull & tables & karaoke machine & drinking fountain & lamps & fire extinguisher & doors & floors...

"If you get married at the Grammy Awards, can your marriage be annulled at the Country Music Awards?"