Entertainment Industry Gifts

"Mostly Mozart, nothing. It's all Mozart or no Mozart."

'Our ratings are down. Let's blame it on the media.'

Modern Celeb Agent

"I can see no farther than the final episode of the first season."

"So is Cameron Diaz really a babe, or is that another thing we've been led to believe by the biased media?"

"I don’t want to ‘fetch’ – I want to practice entertainment law."

No Starlets Were Harmed

"So I play this guy named Stan Snorkel who finds a big, gray poodle..."

"I don't talk to Christopher Robin anymore but I will consider a reunion special."

'Therapy in L.A.'

'So which camp are you in, Conan or Leno?'

'With NBC all those years, and never a bonus, stock option or retirement plan...'

"Mum, I got the job!"

Stars lose millions of $$, "Well goodbye lolly..."

"No, you don't get paid less because you're a woman. It's because you're only a D list celebrity."

"No need to sign a contract with J. Walters Agency. We take our branding seriously."

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

"This is a lovely old song that tells of a young woman who leaves her cottage, and goes off to work. She arrives at her destination, and places some solid NHHS in a flask containing 0.50 atm ofammonia, and attempts to determine the pressures of ammonia and hydrogen sulide when equilibrium is reached."

'The History Channel is all reruns.'

They hated me.

Showbiz Awards

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Benedict Cumberbatch

"This is the perfect way to watch movies if you love mosquitoes and having a cold, wet butt."

"Have you tried binge-watching a show together?"

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"If I might be serious for a moment..."

A small snooker player chalking his cue.

"We just watched a hypermovie!"

Take seat. Nothing makes me happier than keeping people warm and cooking s'mores for them. Friendly fire.

Unforgettable, that's what you are... Gnat King Cole

Clown teaches how to speak Jibberish

"Hi there! - I'm the world's first eco-friendly comedian... All My Jokes Are Recycled...!"

A Guide to Balloon Animals

The Rooster Comedian.