Embarrassing Parent Pillows

A spot of Dad-dancing.

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

"Where's your nose?"

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'This not exactly what I had in mind when I told him about the birds and the bees.'

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"So you're the artist dating my daughter? I've seen your work...you MUST be starving."

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

You and your alternative pregnancy.

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'Man pushing pram with baby.'

"I'll explain later."

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Yes, we have a 'Happy Meal'. It's when you leave the kids home.

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

Boho Bribes

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

"It's from the We Experience Parenthood More Fully Than You collection."

'Hello? Animal control?'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'for the record, it tasted like black licorice.'