Embarrassing Parent Gifts

A spot of Dad-dancing.

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'A generous layer of vaseline makes an excellent tickle repellent!'

"Where's your nose?"

"Congratulations, Mr and Mrs Starmer. It's a tool!"

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

'It's nice to go hiking together. It gives us a chance to compare notes and figure out what the kids are plotting!'

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

"I'm too old for a baby-sitter. How about hanging a portrait with the eyes that always seem to look at you?"

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

"So you're the artist dating my daughter? I've seen your work...you MUST be starving."

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

'This not exactly what I had in mind when I told him about the birds and the bees.'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Man pushing pram with baby.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

"I'll explain later."

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

Yes, we have a 'Happy Meal'. It's when you leave the kids home.

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

Boho Bribes

"It's from the We Experience Parenthood More Fully Than You collection."

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

'No kid, I don't remember your mother! Christ, I've impregnated DOZENS of test-tubes!'

'Yeah, my Mum is a clean-freak too: I have to wash my food before I eat it...'

"Have you seen his sippy skull?"

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.