Funny Parent Gifts

'Dad, no playing off in front of the markers.'

"When I said you could use other materials with the sand, I was thinking shells and driftwood."

'Dad, are you sure this is building the right muscles for football?'

"It's a letter from the Vatican. They say that whilst walking the streets without stepping into dog poo is nearly as miraculous as walking on water, it's not sufficient to canonize me!"

'Bad luck duck - he's on your side of the bed.'

'Are we there yet?'

'Oh dear. He's got my eyes.'

"Where's your nose?"

'Quick, I'll give you a piggyback ride home, otherwise, we'll get in trouble for being late...'

How witness protection really works...

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"I'll bet she was worn out by the end of teacher's meeting day."

Children should be seen and not a herd.

'Well it's your fault for wearing my slippers.'

'Now, you've been naughty, you're in time out! I'll turn you over in five minutes!'

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

"You're on 'Ask Sadie.' What's your problem?!" "I want to go back to work." "But my son is still so young. I'd have to send him to preschool or day care. And then most of my salary would go to pay for that. So what should I do?" "You should do what we did in my day: Have six more kids and then let them all fend for themselves!" "If your eldest isn't a strong leader, it may get a little 'Lord of the Flies'-ish, but that builds character!" "...in the survivors."

"I can hardly wait for him to start leading a life of quiet desperation."

Help!I am being forced to eat vegetables

The inventor of the Slip 'n Slide becomes a father.

'That kid! He forgot it again!'

"Geese fly in a V, son--attorneys fly in a wedge."

'I'm here, Mom, hanging out with some friends.'

You and your alternative pregnancy.

'He followed me home. Can I keep him, mum? Can I?'

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

'Man pushing pram with baby.'

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'Can you do the dishes, love. I'll do the school run.'

For Heavens sake - don't let your pet watch manga cartoons on TV anymore!

'It never fails. Two pizzas exhaust Dad as much as a 10 mile run exhausts me.'

'Congratulations! It's an omelette!'

"I'll explain later."

'If you haven't been taking your vitamins. What have you been doing with them?'

'My husband wants to know if the sonogram can tell if the baby is a Red Sox or Yankees fan.'