Parental Tease Pillows

'My teacher sends report cards as PDF attachments. Luckily, my parents have no idea how to open computer files.'

'Any minute now I'll be getting a headache.'

"You see, it's perfectly safe to tease him..."

"I'm giving you a 300% salary increase, and four months paid leave."

"My dad can't talk yet, but he's learned to wave bye-bye."

"We tried to play nicely, but frankly it's not as much fun as tormenting each other."

"How come I always get the crying baby right behind me?"

His real name is Jasper Underwood Farthington III...but we just call him 'Stinky'.

"Do you actually trust that thing?"

'Don't clean me up too good... no one will recognize me.'

'I promise you we'll have him out of here real fast... we need the rest.'

"Very funny."

"The fish isn't renewable, but I know the fisherman has 6 kids and counting."

'....How many babies are you going to have, mommy?"

'This buggy gets only about one mile per gal.'

Banana striptease...

"Oh my, you're a dirty little weasel, aren't you darling?!"

Hit Me

Look out, you're sitting on a worm!

"I've got 2 WONDERFUL children. 2 out of 5 isn't bad I suppose!"

'I don't like the look of yours...'

'Dad... He's still making faces at me!'

Children Who Have Given Up Soap For Lent

I'm going to have a baby girl soon. What's a good name for a baby girl, Randy? Wait … you're going to have a what? Tell me you didn't just say what I think you said, little buddy. I'm going to have a baby girl. Met a lady, we fell in love, got married, and now we're going to have a baby girl. Wait ... you're talking about some video game, aren't you? I'm thinking of naming her SIMantha, but that might bee too obvious.

A rabbit is followed out of a Magician's hat by a greyhound.

'I can't sleep Dad. Tell me another scary story?'

'Hey Goldie, the house is on fire!' 'Wow, I just found out the world is round!' 'I hear they're gonna make gloves out of you.'

Our Yuppie Dad

"It's too hot to strive for autonomy."

"I'm wearing new cologne. I hope Smiley is able to control herself around me today."

Really tall guy with a 'Kick Me' sign attached.

"Don't worry, and don't listen to your brother! You can't really smell fear: it's just an expression..."

'My dad says I'm good at training little animals - Sit, boy!'

"I'm sorry, James...but I'm afraid Jelly Beans aren't a vegetable!"

"It's the kids! Quick! Stash the cigs!"