Eccentric Entertainer Gifts

'Pepper, anyone?'

'Yes, yes, Rupert, you are still a mighty hunter. Now, please bring the turkey back to Luisa in the kitchen.'

'Don't you ever knock?'

Tom Waits.

"Are you finally going to admit that you've run out of things to do now that you're retired?"

"I'm not weird I'm a 'person of weirdness'."

Use your imagination.

Newt sale

"Avant-garde jazz hands"

"Squirting flower, squirting flower...."

"Personally, I of course loved Uncle Clarence, but Mr. Quibbles wants to say a few things."

There's a Facebook group for everyone... "Even Toilet Paper Mummies!"

Off Off Off Off Broadway

"Pat's independently wealthy and dependably entertaining."

'He swallowed some of his acrylic paints and now he's artsy fartsy.'

Pottery Slam

Annoying xylophone solicitors.

Thanks to hypnosis, he quit smoking cold-turkey. Everyone seemed real supportive until he came strutting into work, half-naked, gobbling incoherently.

"Rapunzel? Rapunzel moved out years ago. I'm Bruce, and I have a stack of old newspaper clippings I'd like to show you."

"My left buttock is noticeable larger than my right and my dog is missing his hind legs."

"I'm waiting in for a plumber."

"Ok, here he comes, remember the story, I've had a bad asthma attack..."

Mum, Dad, I've met something...

"Come at me, Bro!"

"Why can't you just read in bed?"

"He's nuts. She's nuts. All three young ones are nuts. The dog is nuts. And the old lady upstairs is nuts, too."

'...Joseph A.Peabody seeks out devious methods to add new excitement to his life.'

"Whatever you do don't get onto the topic of his wacky socks."

"O.K., so no animals were harmed, but were they adequately compensated?"

Warning Wisecracks or good-natured barbs alcohol maybe hazardous to your health,

Sketchy Neighborhood

'You need to slow down - use more color.'

'Individuality - That's what counts in this game.'

"Unless you can prove their training was cruelty-free, you don't have a chance in this business."

The Imperfect Hostess