Duty Dodger Pillows

"You recused yourself from this case. I recuse myself from jury duty."

"Which end does the diaper go on 'cause there's stuff comin' out of both of 'em!"

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

'Why is it always me that has to put the cat out?'

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

A genie helps a man fold laundry.

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

Gentlemen, I'm off to join the circus

'So why are so worried? I'm leaving my fate in the hands of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.'

'How can he remember 37 passwords but always forget to pick his clothes up off the floor?'

'Making a To-Do List is on my Bucket List.'

"Got outta jury duty!"

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Sorry Mrs. Tate. There's no cure for Not-Taking-Out-The-Garbage-Itis."

'You'll be bound over for trial by a jury of whomever we can get for $5 a day.'

'Mr. big shot scientist who works 18 hours a day at a prestigious lab developing high strength corrosion inhibitors, but can I get him to spend 2 minutes getting rust stains out of our own tub? No.'

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

"If you'd bullshitted your work like the rest of us, you'd be home by now."

"I've decided to give up my day to day responsibilities."

'We have special circumstances here Your Honor...Mr. Juttle committed the crime so he could get out of jury duty.'

"Do you have a moment to be late for something you just made up?"

'Dinner.'

"No, I'm not going to work. I sent my computer to work for me. The screen has a photo of my face, so people will think it's me."

"If this meeting becomes too heated, we'll create a distraction...like running out the door."

"And when the music stops, the department that has the letter must do something about it."

"I can't believe I've just had to waste three days going on that training."

"Bad news...you don't have a deadly disease. You've got to go back to work."

'Great news! Your father's got a job.'

"Severe lactose intolerance - he can't even look at a cow."

'Now you're out of order!!'

"If you're so interested in watching reality, how about watching your baby brother?"

"This is defifitely not going on my facebook likes."

Patches never suspected his best friend had betrayed him.