Yard Duty Dodger Pillows

"This is defifitely not going on my facebook likes."

"Mom, no raking for me this fall! Got any more leaf bags?"

"Which end does the diaper go on 'cause there's stuff comin' out of both of 'em!"

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

'Why is it always me that has to put the cat out?'

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

A genie helps a man fold laundry.

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

Gentlemen, I'm off to join the circus

"You, my tenacious weed, are trespassing!"

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

'So why are so worried? I'm leaving my fate in the hands of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.'

'With these crazy markets, you have to diversify to protect your money. Put some under your mattress, some in your sock drawer, maybe some in a hole in the yard...'

'How can he remember 37 passwords but always forget to pick his clothes up off the floor?'

'Making a To-Do List is on my Bucket List.'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

"Sorry Mrs. Tate. There's no cure for Not-Taking-Out-The-Garbage-Itis."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

'You'll be bound over for trial by a jury of whomever we can get for $5 a day.'

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'Mr. big shot scientist who works 18 hours a day at a prestigious lab developing high strength corrosion inhibitors, but can I get him to spend 2 minutes getting rust stains out of our own tub? No.'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

"Can't you rake the leaves? I'm raking in cash."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

"I've decided to give up my day to day responsibilities."

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

"Do you have a moment to be late for something you just made up?"

'We have special circumstances here Your Honor...Mr. Juttle committed the crime so he could get out of jury duty.'

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

Walk right in. Sit right down.

"You recused yourself from this case. I recuse myself from jury duty."