Daily Duty Dodger Pillows

"I've decided to give up my day to day responsibilities."

"Which end does the diaper go on 'cause there's stuff comin' out of both of 'em!"

'He's kind of a rescue dog. He points to where the hardest work is, so that I can run into the opposite direction!'

'Why is it always me that has to put the cat out?'

"What kind of 'best friend' expects you to pick up their sh*t?"

"At work, we've switched to video calls for meetings, so my productivity has shot up exponentially. . ."

"I cloned myself to take care of my Thanksgiving duties while I watch football in peace."

Gentlemen, I'm off to join the circus

"I'm the designated driver."

'So why are so worried? I'm leaving my fate in the hands of 12 people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.'

'It's just a recliner with built-in heart rate monitor. But look at how many big inflatable balls are sold as exercise equipment.'

"Got outta jury duty!"

'Making a To-Do List is on my Bucket List.'

'Forget 'forsaking all others', you can have the week off' (housewife to husband).

'You'll be bound over for trial by a jury of whomever we can get for $5 a day.'

"Sorry Mrs. Tate. There's no cure for Not-Taking-Out-The-Garbage-Itis."

"I don't get it. I hired him to workout for me every day, and I still haven't lost any weight."

Pinocchio's autopsy - "Right about here he started cutting gym class."

'Mr. big shot scientist who works 18 hours a day at a prestigious lab developing high strength corrosion inhibitors, but can I get him to spend 2 minutes getting rust stains out of our own tub? No.'

"We also offer a plan where you just post pictures and skip the exercise."

How caffeine interacts with human brain cells.

'You thought having 'flu would get you out of doing the dishes.'

'Is there any way I can keep on all this weight and still enter the Pro Football Hall of Fame?'

'I don't need to go to a gym. One of my classroom management strategies is to circulate frequently around the room. I figure I walk three miles a day.'

"Do you have a moment to be late for something you just made up?"

'We have special circumstances here Your Honor...Mr. Juttle committed the crime so he could get out of jury duty.'

'Hey, we have one of those. You hang your laundry on it.'

Walk right in. Sit right down.

Slimming Club: New Members Entry.

"This is my exercise routine, and this is my routine to avoid that exercise routine."

"No, I'm not going to work. I sent my computer to work for me. The screen has a photo of my face, so people will think it's me."

"You recused yourself from this case. I recuse myself from jury duty."

'Dinner.'

New parents refusing to change their baby's nappy