Ducking Away From Seriousness Gifts

'Well I'll bet no one else thinks it's funny.'

When a toddler hands you their ringing toy phone, you answer it!

10K Run: Smoker's Lane.

"I know it looks fine, but let's get an engineer's report and a termite inspection just to be on the safe side."

'Brand X, the wine for those with indiscriminate taste.'

Library. Story Hour. This fact-checking site says no cow has ever jumped over the moon.

"Apparently he only uses fugitive colours."

"If yer a potato, I'm a potato."

'Eve ate the apple, and she's asking if you want to make it two out of three with oranges and bananas?'

We bonded over a shared lack of assertiveness. Vive la diffidence!

Grocer with pretensions of being a soldier

"I feel so much more relaxed since I punched out my yoga instructor!"

'I don't like the look of yours...'

Kid sweeps dirt under his junk on the floor.

"I spy with my mind's eye..."

"Has your husband been exposed to Christmas at all?"

"What do you want to be when you give up?"

I heard you have a really bad toothache. Meh. Not anymore. "Meh"? I got bored of that, so I just moved on. Amazing. "Mindless over matter." Bored of this phone.

"Home security isn't subtle. If you've got it, flaunt it!"

"What is your position regarding the issue of emotional commitment in a relationship?"

Every morning, the 'who's gonna be first?' cold seat standoff.

"I can't go to school today, Mom . . . I'm running a low-grade spring fever."

Books: Very Subtle, Just a Little Subtle, and Not At All Subtle.

"I always drink from a travel mug. It makes me feel like I'm out of the house."

Just 4 Chopping Days Until Thanksgiving.

"That's pork - the meat of the pig. It makes an excellent substitute for tofu."

'I think he's bluffing.'

'It never occurred to Steggy what was giving away his best hands.'

Don't Push: Electrical Shock.

Rival Santa Clauses: 'You may have little, more helpful elves, but my Rudolph as a VERY shiny nose.'

I like spring okay, except for the mammoths shedding.

'I need a statement that I've been here for the past 15 minutes and read David Hume's An Enquiry Concerning Human Understanding.'

"Let me put it this way - I wouldn't buy any bananas that are too green."

Not in Service

"It's hard to breath wearing a mask."