Satirical Service Seeker Gifts

Not in Service

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

'The Neurosis Pack.'

Phone Hacking Explained - 50 p.

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Scandalous! The Germans are occupying the best places on the beach!

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Bertha's: A bank that's more than a bank. It's also an insurance broker and a beauty parlor.

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

"Hello, my name is Eddie and I will be your customer tonight."

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

'We're well known for serving only the freshest mineral water, Madame.'

Sure, it's just to find the royal remote, but a quest is a quest, Ernie!

'Don't worry, he always feigns death when it comes to tipping.'

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'

'We're sorry sir, but our kitchen is out-sourced and takes a little longer.'

John Dryden

"I don't know why they call you a waiter... I'm the one that's been doing all the waiting!"

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

An accident waiting to happen.

"I'll have whatever is hot, fast, and artisanal."

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

'I'll keep your application on file in case something else comes up.'

Waiter watering down wine

"Now you've finished your desserts, can I interest you in some chewing gum?"

"It's always poor you, isn't it, Albert?"

Michael Moore.

Mild in the Streets