Satirical Service Seeker Pillows

Not in Service

"I'm weighed down with so many gadgets, I'll need a push to start me off."

''Food miles' is a big issue, so I'm reducing the distance my food travels by moving my fridge into the living room.'

Phone Hacking Explained - 50 p.

'The Neurosis Pack.'

'... Further to our telephone conversation of the 3rd, my fax of the 11th, my letters of the 16th, 23rd and 28th, my emails of....'

Scandalous! The Germans are occupying the best places on the beach!

"You can tell it's a classy restaurant - they're ignoring us with panache."

Bertha's: A bank that's more than a bank. It's also an insurance broker and a beauty parlor.

"Hello, my name is Eddie and I will be your customer tonight."

'I should warn you, I charge double if you want me to examine both of them, Mrs. Jacobs.'

'Have a little patience, Sir - We're not machines...'

"Welcome to The Cable Cafe. Your waiter will be with you between now and 5:00PM."

"I ordered my steak rare - and this is well done...!"

"Potatoes too salty? Look, buster ??" I told you to enjoy your meal!"

'I'll be back to take your order as soon as I've eaten.'

"Hi again. Can I just check whether you enjoyed me interrupting your meal five minutes ago to ask whether you were enjoying your meal?"

'We're well known for serving only the freshest mineral water, Madame.'

'Don't worry, he always feigns death when it comes to tipping.'

'My investment advice is to relax, stop and smell the roses, dig up the roses, bury a million dollars beneath the roses.'

'Waiter, there's a tar ball in my soup.'

John Dryden

'We're sorry sir, but our kitchen is out-sourced and takes a little longer.'

"I don't know why they call you a waiter... I'm the one that's been doing all the waiting!"

"I thought I was a writer, but it turned out to be a chemical imbalance."

An accident waiting to happen.

"I'll have whatever is hot, fast, and artisanal."

Waiter watering down wine

'Wizzo Wotsits - how can I help you? Just putting you through to customer services. . .'

"It's always poor you, isn't it, Albert?"

"Now you've finished your desserts, can I interest you in some chewing gum?"

'I'll keep your application on file in case something else comes up.'

Mild in the Streets